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Screenshot 2015-12-04 at 10.05.59 AMby Aaron Viland

  1. Political doodles
    What better way to express your disgust with the ‘fascist pigs’ in Washington D.C. than through doodles in the extended response section of the test? Maybe you badly desire to express the similarities you’ve observed between Barack Obama and Adolf Hitler, or maybe you have an itch to somehow portray the ape-like nature of presidential candidate Donald Trump. There is no section that truly tests for critical thinking, so you can really consider this a favor to those who so badly want to get to know your mental capacity. And you never know who may be cheating off your test. One cheater may copy another cheater, who copies another cheater, causing a domino effect of sticking it to the man. This can all be done through doodles in the response section, and will surely cause time to fly by during the dreaded PARCC test.
  2. Actually do the test
    The PARCC is lame, and in my experience, no one has ever explained why one has to take it in the first place. When I asked my teacher last semester, she simply said “I have no idea, but try anyway.” Yeah right. You know, I’m not sure if even Nigel Parcc himself knows the benefit of the test. But how bad could trying actually be? You never know. You may just knock it out of the parcc.
  3. C-C-C-C-C-C…
    Maybe not the most creative idea, but one which certainly gets the job done, is to put “C” for every answer. The percentage of questions you will get correct is quite low, but at least you answered all the questions, right? And what’s most important is that this is a tradition that has been passed on from father-student to child-student for generations. My father, his father, and his uncle before that, have all more than a few times, surely rebelled against the standardized-test status quo, and felt the liberation of simply putting “C” for every answer. Why mess with a system that’s been helping apathetic, good-for-nothing kids for years?
  4. Finally fulfill teacher prophecy
    There has been a warning that has been uttered from the lips of every teacher during every standardized test we’ve taken throughout our educational career. This event, which they’ve warned about, has never once been witnessed by myself, or anyone I’ve ever known, but certainly seems to be quite a fright to teachers all over the country. Teachers are extremely afraid that if they allow us to listen to music during class, some punk kid will have downloaded the answers to the test in audio form, and listen to it during the test. Due to the lack of evidence that this is a potential scare, teachers may currently be in a vulnerable position to be fooled. What better way to ruin it for everyone, than to actually somehow pull this off, and prove right the educational prophets of old?
  5. Sneak in Totino’s pizza rolls
    Developed by pizza genius Jeno Paulucci as a type of egg roll filled with pizza deliciousness, pizza rolls have become the most adored snack by pizza freaks everywhere. So what better way to pass the time than to fill your stomach with the tasty treat? But be careful of pizza predators. In school zones especially, you must watch out for these vicious fiends, waiting around every corner with the intent to guilt you into sharing your delectable pies-gone-rolls. Due to this danger, one must be extremely stealthy with the way in which you enjoy your Totino’s pizza rolls. My suggestion is to empty out your pencil bag, and fill them with Totino’s, stealthily slipping the rolls from the bag, and into your pizza Totino’s mouth. This is sure to make your test a breeze.
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McKenzie McSpookems:

cant say No to a Totino